Whatever Happens Read online

  “Hi.” I stand in front of him, my hands clasped together. Now that I’m here I feel silly and unsure of myself.

  Behind Finn I spot Jack laying on the floor sans vest, a toy shaped like a banana at his side.

  “You’re in my house.”

  I crack a smile at Finn’s uncanny ability at stating the obvious.

  “I am.” I take a breath, getting to the point of why I showed up here. “I thought we could go get coffee? Or go to the bookstore? Lunch, maybe? Or take Jack to the park?” I ramble nervously.

  “Why?” He blinks at me behind his glasses, truly puzzled.

  “Because, we’re friends and that’s what friends do.” I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. I’ve never been this girl before, unsure of herself and shy around a guy. But Finn unbalances my foundation and I find myself wanting him to like me as much as I like him, but it’s impossible to know where I stand with him. “We’re friends, right?”

  I hope he’s remembering last night as vividly as I am.

  The moments I’m with Finn, it’s like time pauses and everything becomes super-focused and I’m hyper aware of the smallest details, but maybe for him it’s not that special.

  “Oh, I guess you’re right.” He tilts his head, either appraising me or contemplating something. After a moment he says, “I like coffee and books are nice.”

  I grin, resisting the urge to clap my hands. “Can you go now?”

  He rubs his lips together and nods, his dark hair flopping. He pushes it out of his eyes. “I-I can drive us.”

  “Cool. Let me run home and tell my parents we’re going.”

  He nods, his attention already gone from me as he whistles at Jack.

  I leave him and my feet pound down the stairs. The smile I wear seems to be permanently plastered to my face.

  “How’d it go?”

  A scream erupts from my throat before my hand can reach for the front door knob. His mom has her head poked around the corner where I assume the kitchen is.

  Placing a hand against my racing heart I turn to face her. “Good, we’re going to get coffee and browse the bookstore.”

  Her whole face lights up and she clasps her hands. “Oh, that’s excellent.”

  The fact that something so simple as her son going out for a few hours with a friend brings her so much joy tells me how this has probably never happened before and it breaks her heart how her son isn’t included in normal things like he deserves to be.

  “I have to run home and let my parents know I’m leaving.” I toss a thumb over my shoulder.

  “Oh, oh, of course.” She waves me on. Before I can close the door behind me I hear her say, “Thank you.”

  I don’t reply, because she doesn’t have to thank me for being her son’s friend.

  I just am.

  * * *

  After facing the Spanish Inquisition and getting more questions about Finn than necessary, I’m free to go.

  I run outside and over to Finn’s car, an old Honda Element in an olive green color.

  The windows are rolled down and Jack sits on the passenger seat.

  “No, Jack. I said in the back. You have to move.” Finn argues with the dog, trying to force him into the back. The dog is stubborn and persistent, Finn is barely able to budge him, and I’m sure the dog is used to being beside him and feels like he’d be doing something wrong to get in the back.

  “It’s fine, Finn. I can sit in the back.”

  “No!” He cries, his blue eyes shooting to mine across the seats. “I-I want you to sit here.” He looks away, like he’s scared I’ll be mad or disgusted by his statement.

  “Okay,” I say slowly. “Then I’ll help.”

  I open the door to help him move Jack to the back when the dog jumps into the back on his own.

  Finn turns around and glares at his dog, who I swear is smiling the way his tongue lolls out of his mouth.

  “You did that on purpose,” Finn grumbles. He exhales a breath and his eyes slide to me as I sit down and close the door. “Buckle your seatbelt. Around five-thousand people a year die from not wearing a seatbelt. Don’t be a statistic.”

  I stifle my laughter, pulling the seatbelt across my body. I was already going to buckle up, but Finn’s knowledge and worry is adorable.

  Once my seatbelt clicks in place he checks all the mirrors and makes sure everything is as it should be. Hand hovering over the gearshift he looks at me. “This is weird.”

  “Getting coffee?”

  “Having someone in my car.”

  I soften. I itch to squeeze his hand but I refrain. “I can take my bike and meet you there.”

  He shakes his head. “No. That’s silly.”

  He exhales a long, deep breath and puts the car in reverse.

  I try to ignore the fact his mom is watching out the window just like my parents are.

  The fall air stirs my hair as we drive into town, and I feel more relaxed than I have in months. For the moment, at least, my thoughts are quiet and peaceful. I don’t feel at war within myself. Finn keeps his eyes steadily on the road, and the more minutes that pass the calmer he becomes. The tension leaves his grip on the wheel first, then his shoulders.

  We reach the quaint town center and he pulls into a spot in front of the shops. He turns the key, shutting off the ignition and sits with his palms flat on his legs, staring ahead.

  I stay quiet, picking at the tear in the knee of my jeans. Jack sits up in the back, poking his head between the seats. He rubs his head against Finn’s arm and Finn finally moves.

  “Coffee,” he states, almost as if to remind himself that coffee isn’t such a big deal. He opens the door and gets out, letting Jack climb through to his seat before securing the leash on him.

  I get out and meet him at the back of his car where we wait to cross the street.

  We walk side by side, not saying a word. I don’t find it uncomfortable. Too many people want to fill the world with meaningless chatter. When you speak, what you say should matter.

  The coffee shop is down the street. I’ve been a few times already and it’s one of those cute shops with exposed brick, writing on the walls, and an eclectic style. Music from the eighties and nineties seems to be the only thing on the playlist and it has a relaxed vibe.

  I hold the door open and let Finn go in first since he’s holding Jack.

  He hesitates, eyeing the long line.

  I pause beside him, assessing his body language—the nervous way he swallows, and how his eyes dart around every corner as if looking for an attack.

  I hook my pinky through his and he looks down at our joined fingers then up at me. I open my mouth to ask him if it’s okay, but he smiles and I have my answer.

  We get in line and I look at the menu, deciding what I want. As we get closer Finn’s fingers fiddle with Jack’s leash and his breaths are uneven.

  “Do you know what you want?” I’m hoping if I can get his mind off things he’ll be less bothered.

  I know with my sister it was the thought of certain things that was far more upsetting than actually enduring them.

  He rubs his left ear against his shoulder and then does the same with his right one. “Loud. It’s loud in here.”

  My mouth parts and I realize that just like that first day in Physics, noise is one of his triggers, and he’s right it is loud in here. I didn’t notice since it doesn’t bother me, and because of that fact I didn’t consider how he might feel in here.

  “Tell me what you want and I’ll get our drinks, we can sit outside.”

  I point to the scattered tables out front where there are far less people. The traffic isn’t loud or crazy since this is a small town so I hope he’ll be fine there waiting for me.

  “Okay.” His jaw clenches and unclenches as he eyes the menu. “S’mores mocha. A medium.”

  I give him a small smile and unhook our fingers. “You got it. Anything else? A snack?”

  “Chocolate croissant.”

  “That’s m
y favorite too.”

  His eyes lighten like he’s pleased by this fact. “Really?”

  “Yep. We have more in common than you think.” I bump his shoulder with mine. “Now go on, I’ll be fine here and I’ll meet you outside.”

  He nods, his eyes darting over my face, taking in my pink cheeks and glossy lips, the hair falling over my forehead and every little freckle and detail in between.

  He turns to leave and then stops. “Thank you,” he whispers.

  Before I can respond his long stride is taking him outside.

  I smile to myself, lifting my hands to my cheeks that I know have to be bright red now.

  The line moves forward and I place our order, handing over the cash and getting my change before I stand to the side to wait for it to be ready.

  It doesn’t take long and I carry the two steaming hot beverages outside along with the bag containing the croissants.

  Finn sits at the table, tapping his fingers on the tile top. Jack lays at his feet, his leash not attached to anything. The dog is trained to not leave Finn’s side, but I think even if he wasn’t he’d still choose to stay there.

  I set everything down and plop in the chair beside him.

  “What did you get?” He points to my steaming cup.

  “Chai tea latte.” I pass him the dessert—at least I consider it a dessert—and grab my own.

  “Chai tea latte,” he repeats, as if committing it to memory. He taps a beat with his fingers on his leg before leaning forward and tearing a piece of the croissant off and taking a bite.

  I do the same to mine, stifling a moan as the warm chocolate melts on my tongue.

  A soft wind stirs the leaves on the trees lining the street, the sun above bathing us in a much-needed warmth.

  Finn’s long fingers wrap around his cup and he takes a sip. He looks around, taking in everything on the street, from the passing cars to the people strolling by. He looks more at ease than he does at school, but still not quite comfortable. I wish I could ease his worries, but he also has every right to feel those emotions.

  I sip my latte and finish the rest of my croissant. Finn only eats half of his and I wrap it up in a napkin, laying it inside the paper bag. He watches my movements, head bowed.

  “Should we go to the bookstore? Or we can go home?” I want to give him the option, because if he’s feeling strung out I don’t want to force him to do even more socializing.

  There are so many varying types of autism. It isn’t one size fits all. The quirks my sister had aren’t going to be the same for Finn.

  He stands, picking up Jack’s leash and grabbing his coffee in the other. “I want to go to the bookstore. There’s something I’m looking for.”

  I smile, pleased that our outing isn’t over yet. Being with Finn reminds me I’m not alone.

  I join him around the table and we walk down the street side by side.

  “How long have you lived here?” I smile as a little kid chases after bubbles in the park across the street.

  “All my life.” His gaze flicks down to me, squinting from the brightness of the sun. “Why’d you move here?”

  “My dad was offered a transfer. He works in IT for a bank. But…” I pause, my steps stilling.

  Finn walks a few more paces before he realizes I’m not beside him and turns around.

  “But what?”

  “I think they just wanted to get away, from the reminders of my sister. It was hard, seeing her everywhere but knowing she’s gone.”

  “Is she buried there?”

  His question surprises me for some reason, but I guess it makes sense.

  I shake my head as we start walking again. “She was cremated. We scattered her ashes.”

  His lips twitch in thought. “Are you afraid you’ll forget her?”

  “I’m afraid of forgetting the sound of her voice, or her laugh, little things like that. But no, I’m not scared of forgetting her. That would never be possible. She’ll always be here.” I touch my fingers to my heart, coming to a stop as we wait for the crosswalk.

  “What’s the animal I see you with sometimes?”

  Looking straight ahead, I smile. Even though I try not to peek across at Finn’s room too often it makes me feel better to know he does look back sometimes.

  “I have a ferret.”

  “A ferret?” He blurts as the sign changes and we cross the street. “Why would you have a ferret of all things?”

  I laugh, bumping his shoulder with mine. “Because they’re fun and cute. His name is Will Ferret.”

  His brows narrow. “That’s a horrible name for a ferret.”

  “We’ll agree to disagree on that one.” I wink and he looks confused for a moment before smiling back.

  Reaching the bookstore he grabs the door and this time waits for me to go first.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, feeling a flush come to my cheeks. It feels like such a silly reaction over a simple gesture, but my body loves to betray my feelings.

  The chiming of the door sends the older man, once more behind the counter, looking up from the volume he’s reading.

  “Ah, back again.” He looks behind me, smile brightening. “And you’ve brought my favorite, most voracious customer with you.”

  Finn waves. “Hi, Pete. Is my order in?”

  Pete closes his book and snaps his fingers. “It is. Let me grab it for you.”

  He disappears into the back and I turn to Finn, cocking my head to the side. “Come here often?” It’s a poor joke, and obviously falls flat.

  “I like books.” He speaks softly, and from his tone I have a feeling this is yet another thing he’s been judged on.

  “I don’t read often enough,” I admit, picking up a hardback of old fairytales from the display table.

  Finn picks up a book and flips through it. “I figure if I never make it to space, at least I’ll have traveled the world in my mind, and lived more lives than one.”

  “That’s an interesting way of putting it.”

  “Ah, here you go.” Pete returns and hands Finn the book already in a bag.

  “Thanks, Pete. Violet and I are going to look around a bit.”

  A shiver goes up my spine when he says my name. He doesn’t speak it often, and when he does it sends tiny charges zinging through my body.

  “Take your time.” Pete waves us off, picking up his book once more and sitting down to read.

  “What kind of books do you read?” My voice is hushed, like we’re in a library, as we move down the aisles.

  “Everything.”

  “Everything?”

  He hangs his head. “My mom tells me I need to use better descriptors and one word answers aren’t answers at all.” He grabs a book from a shelf, looking at the back. “I like non-fiction, anything from history to of course space, I love fantasy, and I even like Anime.”

  “Anime?” I raise a brow, my voice laced with surprised. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

  “Have you read any?” I shake my head and a slow grin lifts his lips. “This way.”

  I follow him between the narrow, cluttered aisles and he stops at the last shelf and kneels on the floor. I spot the tiny section of Anime books and he scans the titles before choosing one.

  “Read this one.”

  The cover shows a black and white drawing of a girl and a boy sitting back to back. One of his legs is stretched out, with the other raised, his arm dangling loosely over it. Above them are stars and planets. I recognize Saturn, but none of the others.

  “Why this one?”

  “Because he’s an alien from outer space, and everyone judges them for their relationship, but she loves him anyway.”

  “Oh.” I use the edge of my nail to trace the lines of her face. “I’ll get it then.”

  We peruse the aisles some more and I grab one more book, something that looks like a sweet read, and Finn grabs three more.

  “How long does it take you to finish a book?”

  He shrugs, Jack pa
nting at his side. “Depends.”

  I give him a look and he actually lets out a small chuckle.

  “If it’s long, a day, something short only takes me a few hours if that.”

  “Wow. I’m impressed. I’m a slow reader.” I don’t know why it feels like a sucky thing to admit.

  “Everyone reads at their own speed.”

  We check out with our finds and head out. I toss my now empty coffee cup into the trashcan on the street and Finn does the same.

  The walk back to his car is silent between us, but it’s nice.

  Finn opens the back door and Jack hops inside easily.

  “Oh, now you don’t fight with me,” Finn grumbles, ruffling Jack’s ears good-naturedly.

  I slide into the passenger seat, placing my bag of books between my feet.

  “This was nice,” I remark, pulling the seatbelt across my body before he can say anything.

  He wets his lips and nods. “I…” He pauses, shaking his head. His dark hair flops in his eyes and he shoves it back, glancing over at me. “I had fun.” He gives me a small hesitant smile and I answer it with a grin of my own.

  The whole drive home, I look out the window with a smile dancing on my lips.

  For weeks Finn barely spoke back to me, and now here we are spending hours at a time together.

  I wish the kids at school would give him a chance, because they’re missing out on having a friendship with an amazing person, but I’m selfishly glad I get him all to myself.

  If Luna is the brightest star in the sky, then Finn is the biggest planet, and I’ve been sucked into his orbit.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I’ll never understand why people think staring is okay.

  As I navigate the crowded halls, headed toward the cafeteria, eyes of my fellow classmates follow me.

  I hear the whispers.

  She’s weird.

  She’s too quiet.

  She only talks to that freak.

  It’s not their words that bother me, it’s the fact that this time last year I was one of them. I spoke about people behind my hand, gossiping untruths when I hadn’t ever bothered to know the person I was speaking of.